What do you think of this poem?

Feverish Winter Hopes





There are trumpeters in the streets


and in the ground


playing melodies about you,


you with eyes like spotlights.


The trees have fingers that reach,


and you have teeth that cling


to words that get hung up


and screams that get absorbed


There are a multitude of us


waiting for the first light flash


of a summer lightening bug


while the smell of a far off grill


is burning.

What do you think of this poem?
This is another winner. The 2008 book comes out on Friday. You need to be in the 2009 edition. Go to poetsofmars (not up yet, but the email works). Send me an email. TD
Reply:The images are crisp and clean, not to mention fun to picture. The only criticism I will lend is that the rhythm lacks, oh, I don't know... Something. Towards the end, it almost has a beat, but the beginning needs some sort of tweak. Great work, though.
Reply:i'm sorry but i don't get what the poem is about.maybe try adding a title?


Also if your comparing someone to an object or other being (kind of like personification).......try not too make it a frequent thing or else it becomes kind of abrupt
Reply:I agree with the last persons answer, but may i suggest that if you use the right amount of syllables and words with a matching tone. It will make the rhythm sound in time and the message comes out easier. nice job by the way, i try to come up with stuff all the time and it sounds like im copying popular songs.
Reply:Quite obviously this is desire for spring written near winter's end, so in that you got that across, the poem has some merit.





I would suggest you put breaks (blank lines) between the three statements that make up the poem, thus creating pauses and perhaps alleviating an earlier posters difficulty in finding the rhythm.





I liked the middle bit the best, and actually found the final five lines to be the most cliche.

flip flop style